A Writer's Write

It did not start like any other day. That was the first thought that occurred to me right about when Inspector Sai (from his badge) placed the cuffs around my wrists. I remembered how Serah would always say that when your life starts to go wrong at about 11:45am on a Tuesday, you wonder how, when there was no indication earlier in the day that within a few hours, your life would suddenly look like you are reading some unknown person’s biography- ‘It was like any other day’, Until.…

Serah and I went to school together. Not much taller than my 1.5m, she had an engaging personality. I had never had so much fun as those few months we spent together combing the streets of Krix, looking for unsuspecting young men who would fall helplessly in love with us, unrequited certainly! But of course! We were two young women out to conquer men on behalf of all the world’s women. Those were the days. We went our separate ways- I married the love of my life, but that is another story. Serah; I haven’t heard from Serah in about eight years.

But today was not like any other day. I should have known. Or how else would I explain the fact that I did not wake up on the right side of my bed? (Pun fully intended) I never wake up on the left (wrong) side of my bed. I am a superstitious person, and have always been. My mother could never explain how a kid could be so fixated on superstitions. I would wake up on a Monday morning and refuse to go to school just because when I woke up, the first thing I saw was a wall gecko. So, yes, I have always been superstitious.

To make matters worse that morning, my five year old daughter would not stop crying. All my pleas fell on deaf ears. Neither did the cuddles, the threats, or even the bribes, work. I was out of my depth. Jeri is the love of my life, the only child I had for her father, the former love of my life. She was spoilt but well behaved. I did not care. Let all those who think that I have spoilt my daughter mind their own numerous children. I had just one and fully intended to spoil her. On that much, her father and I agreed.

The plan was never for Beni to be the former love of my life. I had never entertained thoughts of divorce, but how was I to know that after 5 years of marriage, you would wake up one morning and look at the man lying beside you and then wonder? How was I to know that we would both grow up to be individuals with irreconcilable differences? What does ‘irreconcilable differences’ even mean? I don’t know, but it is what Beni told the judge presiding over our divorce. And since the judge bought it, I must have been the only person who did not understand ‘irreconcilable’. Little matter: I got Jeri- life was always bearable. Beni would get her on the weekends. It was an arrangement that worked for everyone, except Jeri of course who couldn’t understand the new status quo. I give her a couple of years. She will.

So back to my unlike-any-other-day day. I dropped Jeri off at school and came back home to start arranging my day. You see, I do not have a job. Somewhere in the years I was married to Jeri’s father, I put aside all that I had planned on achieving when I was still a fresh-faced prize-winning graduate student. I was going to be Professor of law, Attorney General, Chief Justice, and Senior Advocate… and why not? It was the 21st century; all the motivational speakers said you could be whatever you wanted to be- just think it! And think I did! Needless to say, I am nothing I planned on being except mother to Jeri. Was I satisfied with that? Sometimes. Most times in fact.

I settled down to continue writing my third novel- two had previously been published and my publisher was so impressed he gave me a contract for 5 more novels within two years. I was busy. The plot was one I enjoyed- a legal cum romantic thriller. I had somehow found a way to put all the law I learnt in school to use, along with my romantic streak which the divorce did nothing to change. My mind was very clear this Tuesday morning, the 5th of September 2006. I had just the final chapter to go, and was so proud of myself.

I did not hear it at first. But it must have gone on for a while because by the time I made it downstairs he was already in his car about to drive off. “Beni!” and then, “…is anything wrong?” Nothing was wrong. He was in the neighbourhood and thought he should check on me and see how I was doing. “…Mighty glad you came”. Why would a line from Lionel Richie’s ‘Stuck on You’ come to my mind at this time? Your guess is as good as mine.

Then,

“I want you to meet someone”.

“Ok ….”

“I’m getting married again…Jeri is getting another mom…I got that job…in Antarctica… (We had always dreamt about that job- Beni and I) I want Jeri with me…We leave in a couple of hours…”

I am actually amazed about how people even conceive these ideas. Like I’d ever give up Jeri. I’ll kill him and the bitch first.

And then,

“Say goodbye to Jeri”.

Then, I looked in the car and saw Jeri in the arms of a rather nice looking lady, much as I’d have liked to describe her as a hag, and sucking happily away on a Tisto.

Hell yeah…

I rushed into the house, came out with my semi-automatic, put one in his head, and one in her head…

Inspector Sai (from his badge) was cruising past, saw everything, and without so much as a scuffle, read me my rights and put the cuffs around my wrists…

…

…

And then I snapped out of my reverie…what a cheesy ending!…writing a bestseller ain’t easy after all [sigh!].

It’s back to work, and a more original ending for my book.

Update

The couple ...

of the Vox Pop Series I ...

well...

THEY GOT MARRIED!!!

Vox Pop Series- I

A colleague’s friend is in a dilemma:


Dude met and fell in love with Girl.


Under normal circumstances Girl would be wearing Dude’s ring on her finger by now.


Instead, Dude is applying the brakes.


Because sometime around 2BD (2 years Before Dude), Girl dated a married man.

I Won the Lottery

Last weekend, I won the lottery to see the Nations Cup final in Accra, Ghana.

A couple of things about the trip:

I got on a propeller plane for the first time. I wasn't even aware initially that I ought to have been scared. Until, a couple of less trusting people gave me 21 reasons to be. And then I got just a tad apprehensive.

Can anyone figure out how someone wearing this much metal got through Airport security and got on board a plane??? I am imagining the ruckus when he went through the scanners. Reminds me of the Kanye West video: All Falls Down- where he himself eventually had to be sent through the scanner!

And no, that is not from inside the plane that he is hanging o! I know they say Nigerian aircrafts are like being inside molue, but it's not that bad...yet.

And then this welcome sign. What's the deal? Like where should the pedophiles go? To Ghana's friendly neighbour Nigeria maybe?

Did a little sightseeing ...

But the football game was the highlight of my trip. Saw Eto'O working out the kinks in his calf muscles just before the game.

And even though I sat with the Cameroonian supporters club and screamed my lungs out, fat load of good it did me or them, no thanks to Rigobert Song.

Eventually, the weekend ended and it was time to go, and the Ghanaians cheerily waved us on our way.



Is that good riddance to bad rubbish...?

Up or Down?

Morning, Day 1

She said: “Baby, you left the toilet seat up again!!! If I told you once I told you for always, put the toilet seat back down when you are done”

He said: “Sorry luv”.

Middle of the Night, Day 1

She murmurs: “Damn!”

He snores: “zzzz…..”

Morning, Day 2

She whispers: “Baby, do you love me?”

He answers: [looking confused] “Of course I do”

She yells: “So why do you always leave the toilet seat up. I almost fell in when I got up to go in the middle of the night”

He apologises: [chastised] “My bad” (or it might have been “ma binu”)


Middle of the Night, Day 2

………….

Morning, Day 3

She said: “I know I didn’t just see splattered wee on the toilet seat…”

He wonders: “This woman!”

He says: “I couldn’t guarantee that I’d put the seat back down, and I figured you’d be less peeved by a wee splattered seat, than the seat left up ….”

She says: [bright idea] “You know what, maybe you should just leave the toilet seat up; I’ll put it down when I need to”

He thinks: “Ah…, so she realises that if I can put it up, then she can put it down”
and then says: "If it works for you baby, sure thing"

And the world is at peace again.

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Mo

We the people of the Federal Republic of Nigeria having firmly and solemnly resolved yada, yada, yada,…. have decided that we want power, education, health, agriculture, roads, and security …. like yesterday!

With all the orisirisi states of emergency that Yar’Adua has been declaring since assuming power, it is almost starting to feel like JFK Airport during a Red Alert. Knowing however that I will be described as tall before all of these get sorted simultaneously, I have made my own wish list in order of priority:

Security- it kind of makes sense to be alive and in one piece in the first place before expecting anything else, eh?;

Power- and this is because I don’t want the first two words that come out of my issue’s mouth to be UP NEPA!;

Roads- in the absence of underground transportation, and due to my non-existent otherworldly transportation powers;

Health- I figure that if my life and limbs are protected from stray bullets, and I don’t succumb to malaria due to mosquitoes that attack when there is no NEPA, and I don’t get body pain from the ubiquitous craters I run into everyday on the roads, the odds are great that I might be able to avoid drugs and hospitals for long periods of time. And there is always alternative medicine!;

Education- selfish I know, but hey ever since I quit being a student, ASUU’s antics only amuse me; AND

Agriculture- who needs food anyway; we should all be on a diet!

Which would you rather have resolved first and in what order should the others follow?

P.S. The results of this poll will be collated by the Ministry of Information’s Dept. of A Listening Ear

Actions Speak Louder Than Words I

I am not a psychologist but I realised just the other day that I have learned one or two things about guys through interacting with them as family, colleagues, dates, friends, lovers, etc. and actually have more than a thing to say about what a girl should watch out for in deciding to ‘be with someone’. You’ll notice that I used the phrase ‘be with someone’ rather than anything concrete like [in Naija lingo] going out with, marrying, or whatever. People want different things from the opposite sex (or same sex depending on which way you swing). The other day my friend and I had a conversation wondering about the essence of a relationship. Some people want a companion; others want a lover, a provider, arm candy, a father/mother figure, a teacher etc. To each his own.

If you are a woman whose interest in a man goes beyond Friday night dates or someone to go with to a friend’s wedding so you don’t come off as the perpetually-single liability who everyone has to worry about her getting home, my tip-offs may not matter. Or if it’s strictly for the sex, it’ll probably matter even less. However, if you want a mate, there are signs to watch out for.


So, ... he has passed a couple of the initial tests- his head is not of the shape and size that gives you horrors about vaginal delivery, or your future son's dating potential; and he can actually pull off a ten minute conversation with you without his eyes roaming around for the next nice looking babe. In your mind, you have already calculated when your period will be in June of the following year so that you can fix the wedding date. But ... that nagging feeling just won't go away.


There will oftentimes be a certain level of desperation that would make the following character flaws seem kind-of-livable-with, but do yourself a favour and think carefully. He might be telling you something with his actions that he cannot coin into words:

i) Is he in the habit of standing you up when you have made plans for a date?

This is my personal ‘run and don’t look back’ cue. There is nothing sadder than a girl going through the lengths girls go through to go out on a date with a guy, and the guy pulling a no-show (secured firmly by a no-call-to-explain). It is THE UNFORGIVABLE SIN in my opinion. He either doesn’t like you very much or doesn’t regard you very much, and trust me one is no good without the other. There will be the unavoidable cancellation, but the moment it starts to feel all wrong and your self-esteem starts to take a battering, let him go. LET HIM GO!

ii) Does he pay you compliments?

Ladies, there is a difference between a taciturn man and a stingy-with-compliments man. And it isn’t such a thin line. A man who really looks at you and breathes you in, will find one or two things he likes about you and will want you to know that he likes that thing about you (and vice versa of course). But when he cannot find a single complimentary thing to say about you, even if it is a slight exaggeration of how your stubby legs look in that oh-so-hot Little Black Dress (LBD), then maybe he just doesn’t find much good in you. Think about it.

iii) Does he call when he says he will?

People say that women are stimulated by words while men are stimulated by touch. It is true. When a woman hears, “I will call you when I get home later this evening”, everything in her is waiting for that call. If he were mind-full of you, he would call- even if only to say he is dead tired and would talk to you tomorrow when he feels more alive. You know what’s even worse … when he calls you the next day and doesn’t apologise for not calling when he said he would. It means that he probably didn’t remember to call you when he should have, and even now he has forgotten that he did not remember to call you. It means one thing only, he wasn't thinking about you; doesn’t think about you; you are not priority [sorry: that's three things already!].

To Be Continued …

Sorry Seems Not To Be The Hardest Word

“I have no one but myself to blame. I do not lay the fault or the blame of the charge at anyone else's feet. For no one is to blame but Jimmy Swaggart. I take the responsibility. I take the blame. I take the fault.”
–Jimmy Swaggart, televangelist
February 21, 1988

“Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.”
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President and aspiring first laddie
August 17, 1998

“There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of Anti-Semitic remark… As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my words and apologise directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words.”
- Mel Gibson, actor and director
August 1, 2006

“And so it is with a great amount of shame that I stand before you and tell you that I have betrayed your trust. I want all you to know that today I plead guilty to two counts of making false statements to federal agents… and I am responsible fully for my actions. I have no one to blame but myself for what I have done.”
- Marion Jones- Thompson, athlete
October 6, 2007

Won je bi, emi ni won ba hold responsible! Obviously these guys don’t take advice from people who know better; Milli Vanilli had said it all before:

Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling
Blame it on the stars that did shine at night
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah

I trust my people. Take the blame ke? Never!!! Whatever happened to the devil? Jimmy Swaggart, man of God that he is and subject to all the attendant temptation from the devil, could conveniently have used that line: it was the devil. I have my suspicions about whether anyone would have bought it, but hey… nothing ventured…

Bill Clinton could have blamed it on the machinations of the axis of evil. Oh, there was no axis of evil in 1998?

And Mel Gibson, shame on you! Surely an actor and director could be more creative in coming up with a blamee.

As for Marion Jones, the dope was a ready excuse: “It was the dope, you dopes!”

This is just one of the things that separate developed societies from our African communities: social consciousness levels (doesn’t mean I buy those their phony apologies for one minute). But those guys do bad stuff, get caught, feign remorse, apologise, and hope to salvage their fat pay cheques, reputations, jobs or whatever else is precious to them. Some, like Akon even go a step further and take blame that is not theirs:

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

We on the other hand, do bad stuff, get caught, arrogantly refuse to accept any wrongdoing, and definitely through fair and foul means take steps to salvage our fat pay cheques, reputations, jobs or whatever else is precious to us. Just ask Patricia Etteh who has blamed everyone and every circumstance except her inexplicable greed. She started off blaming her antagonists in the House of Representatives who she didn’t offer juicy positions; then moved on to the National Assembly Management for not vetting the contract properly. Who knows what she’ll come up with next?

What’s in an apology anyway? Are we truly to believe these apologies? What is the apology about anyway? Part of a plea bargain? You get caught with your hand in the cookie jar and then your overly- paid publicist pens a statement explaining your foible and hoping that all your loyal fans who look up to you will somehow find it in their hearts to forgive you. And if you weren’t caught? No apology?

Newsflash: I don’t look up to you. And why should I? I am too busy with real life to concern myself with your antics, or to model my actions after yours. Plus unlike you, I don’t have the inconvenience of the limelight to prevent me from doing all the bad things I like to do.

Don't Hate; Congratulate

Really these comparisons of Nigeria to a 15... then 31... then 40 year old (and on each occasion of its anniversary) person that can’t crawl, much more walk at that age is really getting old and tired, and should stop. It just grates on my nerves. Who contrived the analogy by the way? Since when does it make sense to compare a sedentary 47 year old human who has a maximum life span of what, maybe a hundred years, with a sedentary 47 year old nation with a maximum life span of … er … I don’t know… maybe forever?

Ok… so maybe Nigeria hasn’t attained those great lofty heights which the largely unknown second stanza (I dare you to sing the entire second stanza. What am I even saying…? Sing the first one, if you can!) of our national anthem espouses, but that is not to say she should suffer the indignities of such unbecoming comparisons.

Let’s see if I can’t cast my mind back and come up with one or two heartwarming things we can be thankful for about Nigeria:

i) Our civil war lasted not quite three years. If this doesn’t seem like a lot to be thankful for, maybe the Angolans can explain the agony of being in a war from 1974 till 2002.

ii) Forget that he never should have even happened in the first place, but Abacha died out on us!!! That to me will always remain one of the greatest miracles in modern day Nigeria. I mean, what are the odds? Did Mobutu die on the Zaireans? Did Idi Amin? Has Museveni? Or even Mugabe?

iii) For the first time, Nigeria actually has a Servant-Leader; which is a whole new concept for us. Having suffered through boors like Obj, and brutes like Abacha, maybe just maybe, things will be different this time around.

For all the haters out there, Nigeria can choose to begin to crawl when it hits 100; and why not, we have till eternity, no?

Happy 47th Anniversary, Nigeria.

Back to the Stone Age???

Being a nouveau, somewhat loyal, Liverpool fan, I wasn’t terribly distressed over the news of Jose Mourinho’s exit from Stamford Bridge. Anyone who knows his football knows that there is no love lost between Liverpool and Chelsea. While the rivalry between the clubs will probably never reach the proportions of Man Utd. and Liverpool, Benitez and Mourinho have done enough to make it a talking point.

The straight contention for the English premiership title between Man Utd. and Arsenal was terribly monotonous. I mean, in the 15 year history of the Premiership, Man Utd. has won the title 9 times to Arsenal’s 3!!! Mourinho, for all his faults at least brought in some excitement. He not only out-won the usual suspects during his brief spell with the Blues, he definitely out-mouthed, and out-spent them as well. With a combination of his loud mouth and the deep pockets of his boss, he kept the attention on himself and by extension his club. And he had the laurels to back his braggadocio: 6 titles in 3 seasons- not bad at all!

Now the special one is gone, and it looks like we are back to the dark days of Man Utd. and Arsenal (Arsenal is currently topping the league closely followed by Man Utd., and with the way Arsenal is going …). And that truly sucks. Liverpool who should be giving those clubs a run for their titles can’t even beat Birmingham at Anfield!!! How whack is that?

Somebody needs to step up to the plate and upset the order. Even Derby County will do at this point.