Just thinking...

Book Review: "Little Bee"

2011-04-07T15:26:00.004-05:00

I picked out Chris Cleaver’s “Little Bee” from the bookstore because it said #1 New York Times Bestseller on the front cover, and also because it said on the back cover, “We don’t want to tell you WHAT HAPPENS in this book. It is a truly SPECIAL STORY and we don’t want to spoil it…. Once you have read it, you’ll want to tell your friends about it. When you do, please don’t tell them what happens….”

Dear friends, this is what happened:

Little Bee a young Nigerian girl, and her sister had witnessed the ambush and massacre of her entire village by the oil company’s men- something to do with the discovery of crude oil deposits. The girls managed to escape but the oil company’s men gave chase and caught up with them on a certain beach where there happened to be an English couple who just happened to be vacay-ing in Nigeria. The couple could have saved both girls if they were both willing to cut off a finger each from their respective hands, but since it was just the wife who had the courage (and the humanity to make a sacrifice for a strange girl) to do so, only Little Bee of the two sisters lived to tell the story.

Anyway, years later the paths of the couple and Little Bee (“LB”) cross in England, where LB is an illegal immigrant. Man of couple kills himself on seeing LB (he can’t live with himself knowing LB’s sister was killed due to his cowardice), woman of couple invites LB to live with her and her litttle son, LB later gets deported, woman of couple follows LB back to Nigeria, where LB gets picked up by the Nigerian government’s soldiers. End of.

A truly special story this isn’t. I’ll admit, I was sold on the promised intrigue, and it is fair to say that the first half of the book delivered. After that though, it just started to drag, and I couldn’t wait to get it over with (and not in a good way). My first thought was that this is a story that could have been better told by a Nigerian (think Chimamanda Adichie). While it is pretty standard for people to tell other people’s stories, this particular effort wasn’t convincing. Although it is a work of fiction loosely based on factual events, the problem is that the supposed actual events did not and could not have happened like that, and there are enough people who know that or who can figure it out.

First of all, a company massacring a village where oil deposits have been discovered does not exactly equate to obtaining an oil prospecting licence or oil mining lease from the government. It beats my imagination how the oil company could have thought that sacking a village was all the permit they needed to drill for their oil. It is true that there are always disputes between governments, big oil companies and the indigenous peoples, but a sponsored massacre by an oil company is not something that I believe has ever happened, or could happen. The government, possibly! (Odi killings etc). But the oil company’s men? I think not.

Something else I found puzzling was the events that occurred after Little Bee returned to Nigeria. Why would the Nigerian government send soldiers after a young (sixteen year old) girl who was denied immigrant status by the UK government, many years after the atrocities of the oil company’s men? What kind of threat could she pose to them? How did they even know about her?

I won’t even go near the finger-for-a-life barter.

After concluding to myself that the book is riddled with inaccuracies in addition to not finding the story convincing in any way, I wondered whether The Kite Runner a book that I thoroughly enjoyed, could be another such book, guilty of taking liberties with actual events. It turns out that I was not the only one comparing Little Bee and The Kite Runner; the Library Journal, one of the reviewers of Little Bee said, “book clubs in search of the next Kite Runner need look no further than this astonishing, flawless novel …” There is a teeny weeny difference however- Khaled Hosseini, the author of The Kite Runner is Afghan and therefore should be competent to speak on Afghan matters, or at least can be pardoned for taking such liberties. But when an English man takes such liberties with Nigeria’s story; that I think, is much harder to ignore.

Nonetheless, I may be the only one who feels this way about the book, because the people who know these things had nothing but high praise for the book –

“Little Bee will blow you away”- The Washington Post

“Immensely readable and moving …”- The New York Times Book Review

“Beautifully staged …”- Publisher’s Weekly

Oh, and this one –

“An ambitious and fearless gallop from the jungles of Africa via a shocking encounter on a Nigerian beach to the media offices of London and domesticity in leafy suburbia …”- The Guardian (UK)

Plus, the book is *soon to be a major motion picture*. I must not know what I am talking about.

Golf for Dummies

2011-03-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

I just realised that my last blog post was sometime in 2009. 2009! That's just wrong. What could I have been up to in that time that I couldn't take time out to blog? To be honest- a lot. Like... golf. Uh huh, golf. Let me explain.

To put it delicately, I have had some free time, with which I have decided to explore new things (you'll be hearing about how that is going from time to time). My projects had to bring me personal satisfaction, and if they could somehow also lead to world peace, good for the world. How does golf fit into that you would ask. Golf? Really? How bourgeois! And hardly world peace stuff. But, let’s assume for one moment that golf is somewhat important, after all, the richest athlete in the world plays golf, and not football (however football is played where you come from). And like I said, I had the time and the motivation.

So far, soooo bad idea!

In the beginning though, I fooled myself and would have fooled you too. My first time at the driving range, I was "winning"! Surely, it couldn't be just beginner’s luck- more like a combination of my tiger blood and Adonis DNA. D'uh! I didn’t even need any more practice. Yawn. On to the next one.

Just the other day though, there I was with my swag on at the driving range ready to do my thing. I even had the golfer's look down to a tee. But, horror of horrors, I couldn’t find my swing. I mean, I was painful to watch. I couldn’t even hit 20 yards (if that). The applause in my head died down instantly. Something like reality started to settle in.

“Mon Dieu”!

“And you are doing this because”?

But then, I calmed down a bit and thought:

“It’s just the Tiger effect, all great golfers have bad days” (as if)

“It must be the sun in my eyes” (at 7pm in October, yeah … right)

And then I hit on the perfect reason why things weren’t going my way. If we are blaming stuff on rain, alcohol etc., might it be that I could blame this one on my boobs? Honestly. Boobs are kind of an inconvenience when you play golf.

So when next my coach’s exasperated voice went:

“Left arm straight in front of you”- My boobs are in the way

“Keep your arms close to you”- Can't. The boobs, remember?

“Keep your eye on the ball”- D'uh … boobs

“Your feet are too far apart”- Are you even listening to me? It’s the boobs!

Thank goodness he couldn’t hear my response- I may have come off as just a little nuts. Or something.

So while I may deserve this little tribulation, don’t judge me too harshly, I still know what you did last summer. *wink*

Getting A Grip

2009-06-09T08:03:00.008-05:00

I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain

If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Raindrops falling from heaven
Will never wash away my misery
But since we're not together
I'll wait for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain

This song was something of an anthem in secondary school, and I discovered later that it is actually a real song done originally by the Everly Brothers, and sampled by a number of other people since then. Then, the extent of heartache we could have felt was when your 'a-lo-ve' (a fellow girl by the way) stopped loving you [my goodness! it sounds soooo funny now, but I guess it was serious business then). Little did we know that real heartbreak was waiting down the years.

I find I much prefer this song to others of its kind which are admittedly quite more angry and certainly less restrained. This song leaves you some dignity and reminds you that the crying will be done some day.

I'll leave you with the other kind of heartbreak song, just in case it's more your speed:

Till you do me right
I don't even want to talk to you
I don't even want to hear you speak my name
Till you do me right
Only wrong is gonna come to you
Nothing good is gonna come till you change
Change your ways
Until you change your evil ways

Quote of Last Week

2009-06-08T03:56:00.003-05:00

I am still Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Head Off.

So, apparently there was this magistrate in one magistrate court like that in Lagos that got into an altercation with ...wait for it... police officers. Anyway, it so happened that the magistrate had granted bail to some accused persons, which the police challenged on the basis that "the matter is serious" (and this here provided my first Laugh Out Loud moment). The bail of course was upheld probably because (and this is more than a suspicion) bail applications are generally not denied because "the matter is serious". The police officers however were not having any of it, and immediately the matter was dismissed, they went out and re-arrested the accused persons.

To cut a long story short, the magistrate got up from the Bench (presumably to enforce his bail order), stepped out of the courtroom, and the next thing he knew "[he] felt all manner of blows over [his] body", many thanks to the re-arresting police officers. [Not excusing the action of the police officers, but someone ought to have informed the hapless magistrate that his authority/sanctity does not extend outside his hallowed courtroom/chambers].

Since that ordeal, the poor man has now opened up to say "now if I want to sleep at night, my heart would be throbbing. Whether it is broken I don't know...".

Broken! Broken!!!

ROFLMHO

Paternal Responsibility

2009-02-23T02:23:00.006-06:00

This post has been a long time coming. I had written a first draft almost two years ago, but lost my train of thought somewhere along the way. It was titled 'single mothers' then. An email I received this morning brought it back and has made the writing easier.

I know a single mom, ... no, make that two of them, … pardon me, I've actually lost count!!! And anyone reading this most probably has a sister, cousin, neighbour, friend, friend of a friend who is in this unfortunate position. Being a single mom is not a crime even though it is as close as it gets in 2009 Nigeria. Would you believe it?!!! Our rigid adherence or obeisance to antiquated cultures and traditions is actually infringing on our compassion.

The question is this: should a mistake (as is the case when a pregnancy is unplanned) define and shape a girl’s life and that of her illegitimate child, for the rest of their natural lives? And this while her partner in crime (after all it takes two to tango) goes scot free? The punishment for single moms is myriad: diminished prospects of having a good marriage, financial difficulty in caring for herself and her child, loneliness, not to talk of the life long social stigma, etc.

I make bold to accuse our laws and lawmakers of complicity in this mess. Why on earth have our laws not been modified to accommodate single moms? There is nothing in any of our laws or procedures that compels a man to be responsible for his child born outside of wedlock. To make it worse, not even one of our female legislators has thought to sponsor a bill addressing this issue. When they are not busy sponsoring a nudity bill to regulate the length of female skirts and sleeves etc, they are probably busy being women i.e. casting aspersion on the single mom; so maybe it is asking too much to expect them to do anything about it.

You see in most cases, it is the woman who reviles against the single mom, and looks at her as somehow being a lesser human. It is the woman who would ask if her son is sure that the child his girlfriend of three years is carrying is his- "after all how are you so sure you are the only one she has been seeing"? It is the woman that will insist that her darling son cannot marry a woman who already has a child by another man - she would rather her prince charming marry a girl with less obvious failings.

It is not too late for our female legislators to get their act together and legislate a solution to his problem. While you cannot legislate and compel a man to marry the woman carrying his child, we can at least compel the man to be financially responsible for his child; after all he is the one that will adorn his flowing agbada and attend all the milestone events in the child’s life in the later years.

Which brings me to the email I received this morning: A former classmate of mine is researching a project on the feasibility of introducing a legislative bill on "responsible paternity" in her country. The bill would require men who do not voluntarily register themselves as fathers on their children's birth certificates to undergo a compulsory DNA test. If the result is positive they (i) must grant use of their surname, (ii) contribute to the cost of pregnancy and birth, and (iii) contribute to the livelihood of their child(ren). The purpose of the bill is to strengthen the protection of children and to encourage mothers and fathers to share in the upbringing of their children.

Apparently, such a law already exists in Costa Rica. And Nigeria needs it sooo badly. Somebody ..., anybody..., do something!!!

Perhaps the next time a female legislator is in search of a cause to make her own, she might divert her mind to this. If not for the single mom who after all deserves every horrible thing that can happen to her for her brazenness, stupidity, immorality…., do it for the child who had no hand in the circumstances of its birth.

Your Right To Be Stupid

2008-09-12T04:37:00.006-05:00

That’s where we all will be sitting, watching aghast in our cozy homes as the Americans yet again exercise their right to be stupid. I can’t believe that a Republican might actually occupy the White House yet again.

But you know how they say that your right to swing your arm ends where your neighbour’s nose begins, shouldn’t your right to be stupid end where the stupidity is evolving into insanity? [and then you are no longer stupid, but insane]

Here is how I see things. But then again, maybe you shouldn’t pay that much mind to me: I am after all is said and done, not American:

1. Hotness Quotient

Obama
Two hotties in the White House may alienate the American people. You see, you have to represent every demographic and seeing Obama has got enough hots, he selects the not-so-hot Biden to represent that other part of America. Smart move, but will it pay off?

McCain
Realising his deficiency in the hotness scale, he picked an ex-beauty queen to shore up that deficiency. This insight scores him an additional point.

2.Gaffe -o- metre

Obama
“Lipstick on a pig”

Then he goes and goofs a little more with the “above my pay grade” remark [responding to a question at the Saddleback Civil Forum on his opinion on when life begins]. Is anything above the pay grade of a U.S. president???

McCain
“Lipstick on a pig”

3. Unique Selling Point

Obama
Change we can [choose to] believe in;

No way, no how, no third term of Bushhhhhhh

McCain
*blink*blink* What selling point???

4. Foreign Relations

Obama

Dialogue without pre-condition

McCain
Bomb Iran, and while we are at it, why not Syria, and North Korea, and those pseudo-Europeans errrr… Russia

5. Energy Policy

Obama
Develop alternative renewable energy sources, conserve energy

(a bit too idealistic in my view)

McCain
Drill here, drill now, [and ruin the environment]

(I personally support this one, why should other nations ruin their own environment while America conserves its?)

6. Global Warming

Obama
Let’s talk about it

McCain
Let’s not

7. Tax

Obama
Tax breaks to those who need them

McCain
Tax breaks to those who need them (after all who doesn’t need a tax break?) but could very well do without

8. Experience Matters

Obama

3 years as a community organiser

[LOL!]

McCain

5.5 years as a Vietnam POW

[ROFLMAO!!!]

9. Campaign strategy

Obama
Issues based

McCain
All is fair in love and campaign politics

And after all is said and done, we all do have our right to be stupid which needs to be protected at all cost. So, Americans by all means vote McCain.

My Threes

2008-09-08T08:33:00.008-05:00

Current Fave Quotes

(i) “I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request, … means ‘no’”
- Captain Barbosa, Pirates of the Caribbean- the curse of the black pearl

(ii) “You wanted ice so I made you freeze”
- P. Diddy, I don’t wanna know

(iii) “I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?”
-Jean Kerr, The snake has all the lines

All time, Wake me up in the middle of the night, Love songs

(i) Hold me in your arms
- Teddy Pendergrass f. Whitney Houston

(ii) This woman's work
- Maxwell

(iii) There's nothing better than love
- Luther Vandross f. Gregory Hines

Perplexing questions

(i) How do you differentiate when lesbians ‘make out’ as opposed to when they ‘go all the way’?

(ii) Now that gay marriages have been allowed in the state of California in the U.S., how will it be determined whose name goes in the husband and wife columns of the certificate; plus “I now pronounce you man and wife", or what?

(iii) That last bastion of the boys’ club: the Catholic Church, how have they remained relevant even till this day without women in positions of authority? I mean, not even wives to consult at home…? Not good.

Answers to the job interview question: Where do you see yourself in five years?*

(i) “Sitting where you are, interviewing some poor sod for a job”;

(ii) “Retired”;

and the one that is certain to clinch you the job:

(iii) “Honestly… I don’t have a clue”.

*Reader Advisory: please do not use any of these in actual situations!!!

Tips for Travelers

(i) Flying on an empty stomach really does make the air sickness worse;

(ii) Don’t go to Madrid and order a latte; you’ll get a glass of milk. Order a chocolat latte or a cafe latte instead;

(iii) A credit card has the capacity to save your life… ok maybe not your life, but a lot of stress.

Lessons I’ve Learned

(i) Cheap will eventually cost you… a whole lot more than the bargain you think you got!;

(ii) There is no avoiding Murphy’s law;

(iii) There is a God.

Pet Peeves

(i) People driving SUVs and still going slowly over (or into) the tiniest bumps and potholes;

(ii) Dull drivers of the male specie;

(iii) Hell…dull drivers of any specie!

Vox Pop Series- II

2008-06-19T06:45:00.012-05:00

Girl meets boy,

there is a connection (or so the girl thinks anyway),

several dates have gone past,

mushy things have been said,

lots of physical activity even.

HOWEVER

boy has not made any commitment (and almost seems like he'll never get around to it),

and has not officially or unofficially asked that she be his main squeeze/roll with him/be the mother of his children etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

SO ...

Is boy just obtuse, or

Is he deliberately not defining things; and

Should the girl with all the trepidation in her heart and her brain gone to sleep, ask the question no girl should ever have to ask:

“errr….what’s up doc?”

A Writer's Write

2008-05-23T05:58:00.007-05:00

It did not start like any other day. That was the first thought that occurred to me right about when Inspector Sai (from his badge) placed the cuffs around my wrists. I remembered how Serah would always say that when your life starts to go wrong at about 11:45am on a Tuesday, you wonder how, when there was no indication earlier in the day that within a few hours, your life would suddenly look like you are reading some unknown person’s biography- ‘It was like any other day’, Until.…

Serah and I went to school together. Not much taller than my 1.5m, she had an engaging personality. I had never had so much fun as those few months we spent together combing the streets of Krix, looking for unsuspecting young men who would fall helplessly in love with us, unrequited certainly! But of course! We were two young women out to conquer men on behalf of all the world’s women. Those were the days. We went our separate ways- I married the love of my life, but that is another story. Serah; I haven’t heard from Serah in about eight years.

But today was not like any other day. I should have known. Or how else would I explain the fact that I did not wake up on the right side of my bed? (Pun fully intended) I never wake up on the left (wrong) side of my bed. I am a superstitious person, and have always been. My mother could never explain how a kid could be so fixated on superstitions. I would wake up on a Monday morning and refuse to go to school just because when I woke up, the first thing I saw was a wall gecko. So, yes, I have always been superstitious.

To make matters worse that morning, my five year old daughter would not stop crying. All my pleas fell on deaf ears. Neither did the cuddles, the threats, or even the bribes, work. I was out of my depth. Jeri is the love of my life, the only child I had for her father, the former love of my life. She was spoilt but well behaved. I did not care. Let all those who think that I have spoilt my daughter mind their own numerous children. I had just one and fully intended to spoil her. On that much, her father and I agreed.

The plan was never for Beni to be the former love of my life. I had never entertained thoughts of divorce, but how was I to know that after 5 years of marriage, you would wake up one morning and look at the man lying beside you and then wonder? How was I to know that we would both grow up to be individuals with irreconcilable differences? What does ‘irreconcilable differences’ even mean? I don’t know, but it is what Beni told the judge presiding over our divorce. And since the judge bought it, I must have been the only person who did not understand ‘irreconcilable’. Little matter: I got Jeri- life was always bearable. Beni would get her on the weekends. It was an arrangement that worked for everyone, except Jeri of course who couldn’t understand the new status quo. I give her a couple of years. She will.

So back to my unlike-any-other-day day. I dropped Jeri off at school and came back home to start arranging my day. You see, I do not have a job. Somewhere in the years I was married to Jeri’s father, I put aside all that I had planned on achieving when I was still a fresh-faced prize-winning graduate student. I was going to be Professor of law, Attorney General, Chief Justice, and Senior Advocate… and why not? It was the 21st century; all the motivational speakers said you could be whatever you wanted to be- just think it! And think I did! Needless to say, I am nothing I planned on being except mother to Jeri. Was I satisfied with that? Sometimes. Most times in fact.

I settled down to continue writing my third novel- two had previously been published and my publisher was so impressed he gave me a contract for 5 more novels within two years. I was busy. The plot was one I enjoyed- a legal cum romantic thriller. I had somehow found a way to put all the law I learnt in school to use, along with my romantic streak which the divorce did nothing to change. My mind was very clear this Tuesday morning, the 5th of September 2006. I had just the final chapter to go, and was so proud of myself.

I did not hear it at first. But it must have gone on for a while because by the time I made it downstairs he was already in his car about to drive off. “Beni!” and then, “…is anything wrong?” Nothing was wrong. He was in the neighbourhood and thought he should check on me and see how I was doing. “…Mighty glad you came”. Why would a line from Lionel Richie’s ‘Stuck on You’ come to my mind at this time? Your guess is as good as mine.

Then,

“I want you to meet someone”.

“Ok ….”

“I’m getting married again…Jeri is getting another mom…I got that job…in Antarctica… (We had always dreamt about that job- Beni and I) I want Jeri with me…We leave in a couple of hours…”

I am actually amazed about how people even conceive these ideas. Like I’d ever give up Jeri. I’ll kill him and the bitch first.

And then,

“Say goodbye to Jeri”.

Then, I looked in the car and saw Jeri in the arms of a rather nice looking lady, much as I’d have liked to describe her as a hag, and sucking happily away on a Tisto.

Hell yeah…

I rushed into the house, came out with my semi-automatic, put one in his head, and one in her head…

Inspector Sai (from his badge) was cruising past, saw everything, and without so much as a scuffle, read me my rights and put the cuffs around my wrists…

…

…

And then I snapped out of my reverie…what a cheesy ending!…writing a bestseller ain’t easy after all [sigh!].

It’s back to work, and a more original ending for my book.

Update

2008-05-07T12:17:00.002-05:00

The couple ...

of the Vox Pop Series I ...

well...

THEY GOT MARRIED!!!

Vox Pop Series- I

2008-02-27T10:29:00.007-06:00

A colleague’s friend is in a dilemma:

Dude met and fell in love with Girl.

Under normal circumstances Girl would be wearing Dude’s ring on her finger by now.

Instead, Dude is applying the brakes.

Because sometime around 2BD (2 years Before Dude), Girl dated a married man.

I Won the Lottery

2008-02-18T07:28:00.015-06:00

Last weekend, I won the lottery to see the Nations Cup final in Accra, Ghana.

A couple of things about the trip:

I got on a propeller plane for the first time. I wasn't even aware initially that I ought to have been scared. Until, a couple of less trusting people gave me 21 reasons to be. And then I got just a tad apprehensive.

Can anyone figure out how someone wearing this much metal got through Airport security and got on board a plane??? I am imagining the ruckus when he went through the scanners. Reminds me of the Kanye West video: All Falls Down- where he himself eventually had to be sent through the scanner!

And no, that is not from inside the plane that he is hanging o! I know they say Nigerian aircrafts are like being inside molue, but it's not that bad...yet.

And then this welcome sign. What's the deal? Like where should the pedophiles go? To Ghana's friendly neighbour Nigeria maybe?

Did a little sightseeing ...

But the football game was the highlight of my trip. Saw Eto'O working out the kinks in his calf muscles just before the game.

And even though I sat with the Cameroonian supporters club and screamed my lungs out, fat load of good it did me or them, no thanks to Rigobert Song.

Eventually, the weekend ended and it was time to go, and the Ghanaians cheerily waved us on our way.

Is that good riddance to bad rubbish...?

Up or Down?

2008-01-18T08:47:00.000-06:00

Morning, Day 1

She said: “Baby, you left the toilet seat up again!!! If I told you once I told you for always, put the toilet seat back down when you are done”

He said: “Sorry luv”.

Middle of the Night, Day 1

She murmurs: “Damn!”

He snores: “zzzz…..”

Morning, Day 2

She whispers: “Baby, do you love me?”

He answers: [looking confused] “Of course I do”

She yells: “So why do you always leave the toilet seat up. I almost fell in when I got up to go in the middle of the night”

He apologises: [chastised] “My bad” (or it might have been “ma binu”)

Middle of the Night, Day 2

………….

Morning, Day 3

She said: “I know I didn’t just see splattered wee on the toilet seat…”

He wonders: “This woman!”

He says: “I couldn’t guarantee that I’d put the seat back down, and I figured you’d be less peeved by a wee splattered seat, than the seat left up ….”

She says: [bright idea] “You know what, maybe you should just leave the toilet seat up; I’ll put it down when I need to”

He thinks: “Ah…, so she realises that if I can put it up, then she can put it down”
and then says: "If it works for you baby, sure thing"

And the world is at peace again.

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Mo

2007-11-06T12:36:00.000-06:00

We the people of the Federal Republic of Nigeria having firmly and solemnly resolved yada, yada, yada,…. have decided that we want power, education, health, agriculture, roads, and security …. like yesterday!

With all the orisirisi states of emergency that Yar’Adua has been declaring since assuming power, it is almost starting to feel like JFK Airport during a Red Alert. Knowing however that I will be described as tall before all of these get sorted simultaneously, I have made my own wish list in order of priority:

Security- it kind of makes sense to be alive and in one piece in the first place before expecting anything else, eh?;

Power- and this is because I don’t want the first two words that come out of my issue’s mouth to be UP NEPA!;

Roads- in the absence of underground transportation, and due to my non-existent otherworldly transportation powers;

Health- I figure that if my life and limbs are protected from stray bullets, and I don’t succumb to malaria due to mosquitoes that attack when there is no NEPA, and I don’t get body pain from the ubiquitous craters I run into everyday on the roads, the odds are great that I might be able to avoid drugs and hospitals for long periods of time. And there is always alternative medicine!;

Education- selfish I know, but hey ever since I quit being a student, ASUU’s antics only amuse me; AND

Agriculture- who needs food anyway; we should all be on a diet!

Which would you rather have resolved first and in what order should the others follow?

P.S. The results of this poll will be collated by the Ministry of Information’s Dept. of A Listening Ear

Actions Speak Louder Than Words I

2007-10-23T11:58:00.001-05:00

I am not a psychologist but I realised just the other day that I have learned one or two things about guys through interacting with them as family, colleagues, dates, friends, lovers, etc. and actually have more than a thing to say about what a girl should watch out for in deciding to ‘be with someone’. You’ll notice that I used the phrase ‘be with someone’ rather than anything concrete like [in Naija lingo] going out with, marrying, or whatever. People want different things from the opposite sex (or same sex depending on which way you swing). The other day my friend and I had a conversation wondering about the essence of a relationship. Some people want a companion; others want a lover, a provider, arm candy, a father/mother figure, a teacher etc. To each his own.

If you are a woman whose interest in a man goes beyond Friday night dates or someone to go with to a friend’s wedding so you don’t come off as the perpetually-single liability who everyone has to worry about her getting home, my tip-offs may not matter. Or if it’s strictly for the sex, it’ll probably matter even less. However, if you want a mate, there are signs to watch out for.

So, ... he has passed a couple of the initial tests- his head is not of the shape and size that gives you horrors about vaginal delivery, or your future son's dating potential; and he can actually pull off a ten minute conversation with you without his eyes roaming around for the next nice looking babe. In your mind, you have already calculated when your period will be in June of the following year so that you can fix the wedding date. But ... that nagging feeling just won't go away.

There will oftentimes be a certain level of desperation that would make the following character flaws seem kind-of-livable-with, but do yourself a favour and think carefully. He might be telling you something with his actions that he cannot coin into words:

i) Is he in the habit of standing you up when you have made plans for a date?

This is my personal ‘run and don’t look back’ cue. There is nothing sadder than a girl going through the lengths girls go through to go out on a date with a guy, and the guy pulling a no-show (secured firmly by a no-call-to-explain). It is THE UNFORGIVABLE SIN in my opinion. He either doesn’t like you very much or doesn’t regard you very much, and trust me one is no good without the other. There will be the unavoidable cancellation, but the moment it starts to feel all wrong and your self-esteem starts to take a battering, let him go. LET HIM GO!

ii) Does he pay you compliments?

Ladies, there is a difference between a taciturn man and a stingy-with-compliments man. And it isn’t such a thin line. A man who really looks at you and breathes you in, will find one or two things he likes about you and will want you to know that he likes that thing about you (and vice versa of course). But when he cannot find a single complimentary thing to say about you, even if it is a slight exaggeration of how your stubby legs look in that oh-so-hot Little Black Dress (LBD), then maybe he just doesn’t find much good in you. Think about it.

iii) Does he call when he says he will?

People say that women are stimulated by words while men are stimulated by touch. It is true. When a woman hears, “I will call you when I get home later this evening”, everything in her is waiting for that call. If he were mind-full of you, he would call- even if only to say he is dead tired and would talk to you tomorrow when he feels more alive. You know what’s even worse … when he calls you the next day and doesn’t apologise for not calling when he said he would. It means that he probably didn’t remember to call you when he should have, and even now he has forgotten that he did not remember to call you. It means one thing only, he wasn't thinking about you; doesn’t think about you; you are not priority [sorry: that's three things already!].

To Be Continued …

Sorry Seems Not To Be The Hardest Word

2007-10-16T06:55:00.000-05:00

“I have no one but myself to blame. I do not lay the fault or the blame of the charge at anyone else's feet. For no one is to blame but Jimmy Swaggart. I take the responsibility. I take the blame. I take the fault.”
–Jimmy Swaggart, televangelist
February 21, 1988

“Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.”
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. President and aspiring first laddie
August 17, 1998

“There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of Anti-Semitic remark… As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my words and apologise directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words.”
- Mel Gibson, actor and director
August 1, 2006

“And so it is with a great amount of shame that I stand before you and tell you that I have betrayed your trust. I want all you to know that today I plead guilty to two counts of making false statements to federal agents… and I am responsible fully for my actions. I have no one to blame but myself for what I have done.”
- Marion Jones- Thompson, athlete
October 6, 2007

Won je bi, emi ni won ba hold responsible! Obviously these guys don’t take advice from people who know better; Milli Vanilli had said it all before:

Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling
Blame it on the stars that did shine at night
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah

I trust my people. Take the blame ke? Never!!! Whatever happened to the devil? Jimmy Swaggart, man of God that he is and subject to all the attendant temptation from the devil, could conveniently have used that line: it was the devil. I have my suspicions about whether anyone would have bought it, but hey… nothing ventured…

Bill Clinton could have blamed it on the machinations of the axis of evil. Oh, there was no axis of evil in 1998?

And Mel Gibson, shame on you! Surely an actor and director could be more creative in coming up with a blamee.

As for Marion Jones, the dope was a ready excuse: “It was the dope, you dopes!”

This is just one of the things that separate developed societies from our African communities: social consciousness levels (doesn’t mean I buy those their phony apologies for one minute). But those guys do bad stuff, get caught, feign remorse, apologise, and hope to salvage their fat pay cheques, reputations, jobs or whatever else is precious to them. Some, like Akon even go a step further and take blame that is not theirs:

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

We on the other hand, do bad stuff, get caught, arrogantly refuse to accept any wrongdoing, and definitely through fair and foul means take steps to salvage our fat pay cheques, reputations, jobs or whatever else is precious to us. Just ask Patricia Etteh who has blamed everyone and every circumstance except her inexplicable greed. She started off blaming her antagonists in the House of Representatives who she didn’t offer juicy positions; then moved on to the National Assembly Management for not vetting the contract properly. Who knows what she’ll come up with next?

What’s in an apology anyway? Are we truly to believe these apologies? What is the apology about anyway? Part of a plea bargain? You get caught with your hand in the cookie jar and then your overly- paid publicist pens a statement explaining your foible and hoping that all your loyal fans who look up to you will somehow find it in their hearts to forgive you. And if you weren’t caught? No apology?

Newsflash: I don’t look up to you. And why should I? I am too busy with real life to concern myself with your antics, or to model my actions after yours. Plus unlike you, I don’t have the inconvenience of the limelight to prevent me from doing all the bad things I like to do.

Don't Hate; Congratulate

2007-10-03T05:17:00.000-05:00

Really these comparisons of Nigeria to a 15... then 31... then 40 year old (and on each occasion of its anniversary) person that can’t crawl, much more walk at that age is really getting old and tired, and should stop. It just grates on my nerves. Who contrived the analogy by the way? Since when does it make sense to compare a sedentary 47 year old human who has a maximum life span of what, maybe a hundred years, with a sedentary 47 year old nation with a maximum life span of … er … I don’t know… maybe forever?

Ok… so maybe Nigeria hasn’t attained those great lofty heights which the largely unknown second stanza (I dare you to sing the entire second stanza. What am I even saying…? Sing the first one, if you can!) of our national anthem espouses, but that is not to say she should suffer the indignities of such unbecoming comparisons.

Let’s see if I can’t cast my mind back and come up with one or two heartwarming things we can be thankful for about Nigeria:

i) Our civil war lasted not quite three years. If this doesn’t seem like a lot to be thankful for, maybe the Angolans can explain the agony of being in a war from 1974 till 2002.

ii) Forget that he never should have even happened in the first place, but Abacha died out on us!!! That to me will always remain one of the greatest miracles in modern day Nigeria. I mean, what are the odds? Did Mobutu die on the Zaireans? Did Idi Amin? Has Museveni? Or even Mugabe?

iii) For the first time, Nigeria actually has a Servant-Leader; which is a whole new concept for us. Having suffered through boors like Obj, and brutes like Abacha, maybe just maybe, things will be different this time around.

For all the haters out there, Nigeria can choose to begin to crawl when it hits 100; and why not, we have till eternity, no?

Happy 47th Anniversary, Nigeria.

Back to the Stone Age???

2007-09-24T06:55:00.000-05:00

Being a nouveau, somewhat loyal, Liverpool fan, I wasn’t terribly distressed over the news of Jose Mourinho’s exit from Stamford Bridge. Anyone who knows his football knows that there is no love lost between Liverpool and Chelsea. While the rivalry between the clubs will probably never reach the proportions of Man Utd. and Liverpool, Benitez and Mourinho have done enough to make it a talking point.

The straight contention for the English premiership title between Man Utd. and Arsenal was terribly monotonous. I mean, in the 15 year history of the Premiership, Man Utd. has won the title 9 times to Arsenal’s 3!!! Mourinho, for all his faults at least brought in some excitement. He not only out-won the usual suspects during his brief spell with the Blues, he definitely out-mouthed, and out-spent them as well. With a combination of his loud mouth and the deep pockets of his boss, he kept the attention on himself and by extension his club. And he had the laurels to back his braggadocio: 6 titles in 3 seasons- not bad at all!

Now the special one is gone, and it looks like we are back to the dark days of Man Utd. and Arsenal (Arsenal is currently topping the league closely followed by Man Utd., and with the way Arsenal is going …). And that truly sucks. Liverpool who should be giving those clubs a run for their titles can’t even beat Birmingham at Anfield!!! How whack is that?

Somebody needs to step up to the plate and upset the order. Even Derby County will do at this point.

Land of the Absurd and the Not-so-Absurd

2007-09-17T05:47:00.000-05:00

This picture here, regardless of what you think, is the not-so-absurd. And I should know; after all, I am the one telling the tales here. Aren’t these guys just amazing? As if it is not enough that they are flouting every unwritten safety and traffic rule there is- rider, passenger, and three rams, all on one okada (it almost makes me want to pen a nursery rhyme) - they are smiling!!! I wonder what there is to grin about. Something about the dogged, indefatigable, indomitable, spirit of the Nigerian? Maybe. Or excitement at being photographed? I really can’t tell.

Now on to today’s entree- the ABSURD. The spotlight has been on one of Nigeria’s northern states in recent times. Normally, the northern governors aren’t news worthy. They have neither the clout, resources, nor panache to pull off many of the antics their southern counterparts get up to. But this is a new regime, and it seems like they are upping the ante.

We had heard from the get-go of an ongoing battle in Adamawa State for the position of first lady. That ordinarily would fall under the not-so-absurd. After all, this is Nigeria, and it would not be the first time that the chief executive of a State or maybe the entire nation would have a pool from which to pick a first lady. In the instant case, Governor Nyako is totally maxed out on his Islamic allocation of four wives. And therein lies his dilemma. Each of his wives for some reason believes herself the rightful candidate to the throne of first lady and is ready to fight to the death to stake her claim.

The situation is simultaneously hilarious and pitiful. Hilarious because the genius Chief of Staff rather than risk the wrath of 3 scorned women (and you know how it is with even one scorned woman) recently decided to simply make all four of them First Ladies. One of them will be first lady in charge of Abuja affairs, another first lady of health matters, yet another first lady of political affairs, and the last but by no means the least the first lady of home affairs. And I kid you not.

It is pitiful because at least two of these women are high achievers- one a High Court judge in Abuja (the current first lady in charge of Abuja affairs) while another is a medical doctor (no prices for guessing her portfolio) and they have reduced themselves to this … crudity! Even more pitiful is the fact that the good citizens of Adamawa State have to watch as the meager resources that should be used to upgrade their welfare will be inevitably siphoned to perpetuate the four first ladies in a lifestyle to which they wish to become accustomed.

I am not aware of any manual out there which deals with how to handle tricky situations like this, so I totally understand how it would look like the governor is stumped. But I have a wonderful idea. Maybe we should consider holding fresh elections. I can just see the headlines: INEC Holds Fresh Elections for the Office of the First Lady in Adamawa State.

Hazard Is ...

2007-09-06T13:57:00.000-05:00

Me alone, female, with all the driving culture of a danfo driver… driving home from work late on a rainy Wednesday night… with the barely there headlights… on the treacherous Lagos roads from Victoria Island to Festac sans street lighting… and malfunctioning windshield water sprayer while beaucoup hired killers (i.e. heavy duty trailers, tankers et al.) splatter mud all over my windshield… with my non-shock-absorbing shock absorbers… maneuvering through pothole ridden supposed-to-be-roads… stereo blaring… answering my mobile phone without using the hands-free device intended for exactly that purpose …

How about you guys post equally or more terrifying experiences you have had (and ... maybe even stories that do not pack all the tension soaked moments of my own experience).

Naira Re-denomination: Complications Arising

2007-08-17T03:53:00.000-05:00

Things have actually been a little quiet in Nigeria for a while now (never mind the restlessness in the Niger Delta, the prosecution of thieving ex-governors, the new- I beg your pardon, recycled government officials etc.) so when I learnt on Tuesday evening that the Naira was going to be re-denominated, re-decimalised, re-juvenated, re-valued, and so on and so forth, I was like yeah something to talk about in the office tomorrow. And true to type, us lawyers who really have no clue about economics, discussed the issue with all the gusto with which we analyse and dissect legal principles (of which we at least have some knowledge). I hadn’t really thought about the ramifications of the new Order and so I accepted it with childlike enthusiasm. With further reflection on the issue however, I am thinking: s**t!!!

This issue of the [re... choose your noun] of the Naira finally convinced me of the importance of dialogue and extensive consultations before crucial policy decisions like this one are taken. If only Chukuma had taken the time to consult widely, we would have alerted him to the effect this new policy would have on the economic and social lives of hapless Nigerians.

Take as the first example- Who Wants to be a Millionaire? That show is either going to have to go through a name change (ideas anyone? and no, not thousannaire) or be scrapped. And if it gets scrapped (which the franchise owners will most likely do if anyone so much as even thinks 'thousannaire') Guess what happens to all the producers, directors, costumers, lighting guys, stage arrangers etc...? They are out of a job; while the participants are out of hope.

Secondly and definitely more importantly, what is supposed to happen to our spraying culture? Methinks that I certainly don’t want anyone splattering me with coins. Coins--- Oho! I get it now!! No more spraying!!! The bagger gets to have his way at last!!!!

Chukuma and his men are only going to put us under pressure. Because now, I have to get my act together and get married before August next year. The thoroughbred Naija girl that I am, I cannot even begin to contemplate my wedding without the naira rain which will serve to reimburse me all my wedding expenses.

So Chukuma thanks, but no thanks!!!

For Those I Loved

2007-08-06T11:15:00.001-05:00

The first time I lost someone dear to me … didn’t quite happen to me; my friend lost her father and I was almost 19 years old at the time. Up until then, I had been sheltered from the pain of death. I haven’t forgotten the moment when my friend told me over the phone. I cried. A lot. Fast forward 8 years and I’m thinking “Goodness girl! Crying more than the bereaved!!!”

And then it didn’t stop there. In quick succession four of my very good friends lost one or the other of their parents. It wasn’t the floodgates opening but there were more deaths than I appreciated.

About two years ago, my friend died. We had been very good friends in secondary school but lost touch over the years. We bumped into each other in the streets of Lagos much later when we were all grown up. She told me she was seeing someone and they were planning to get married. We made plans to see again- but we never did. I couldn’t even be at her wedding. The next thing I heard, Dupe, God bless her soul, had passed on. This was the very first time I would lose a friend and the news did to me what I assume news of a death does to most people; I thought about life and how fleeting it all is and how we are supposed to make the most impact while we can. That thought I have come to realise, passes quickly… until the next news of a death.

Mama died about the second quarter of this year. Mama had been ill on and off for a number of years but she had just celebrated her 69th birthday and we were all optimistic that she still had a couple of years left in her. Mama was my friend; the age difference notwithstanding. She was one of those people who just love; it didn’t matter who you were or what your antecedents were. She just took you in and loved you. I was a beneficiary of her love. I was Mama’s daughter. Many times when I was ill as a child, my mother would run to Mama who would nurse me back to health. As I grew older, she became more than my nurse and became a friend. She wanted to know about school, boys, and most other things young women experience as they get older. On my first trip to the United States, I went to see Mama to inform her and she bestowed me with a dollar bill. I kept that bill for a while but I eventually spent it. She almost got me to love flowers the way she did; it didn’t quite work out. But maybe, just maybe I will take it up, … as my memorial to her.

Femi was tall, dark, and good looking. He was a husband and a father to a son who just turned one in January. I howled. “What happened to Femi?” Death happened to Femi. Femi was my big brother as well as my friend. I met him at my first job. It was between my penultimate and final years as a law student and I needed to fill in the idle days ASUU had thrown my way. Femi and I worked together for about three months and in that short time, we developed a bond that remained until he died. The last time I saw Femi, we had met up to catch up on all that had been happening to us. He told me of his plans. He had big plans for himself and his young family. I spoke with him after that and he was making plans to go on a holiday. The next communication I had of Femi was a text message: “Sad to inform you but Femi has passed on; Burial is at …” That was when I howled.

My people say that eni to kan lo mo; it is he who has been hit that feels the impact. I remember that after Femi’s funeral on a Friday afternoon, everybody was in a hurry to get back to work. (I, for one, had to leave the office through the back door and I had had to impose on my colleague to do some stuff for me.) I wasn’t sure whether to be upset about this state of things or not. There we all were, mourning- but then again, in a hurry to get back to our lives. It felt like a shame. A bible passage came to my mind then: “let the dead bury their dead”. It must have sounded callous of Jesus to have issued such a statement to a guy who only requested to be allowed to go and bury his father, and then return later to Jesus’ calling. Only God is wise. Jesus knew what he was talking about. When someone dies, the rest of us must continue to live. It is no excuse to shirk our responsibilities; neither is it an excuse to live like one who is dead or dying.

In memory of all these people whom I have loved and lost, I will live. A good life. Until when it is my own time too to take a bow.

Sense of a Woman

2007-07-30T14:46:00.000-05:00

Women are strange creatures. I know, I know, I don’t get any brownie points for this non-innovative discovery of mine. In my good moments, I can bash men with the best of them, but sometimes in my heart of hearts, I cannot but feel something akin to empathy with all the men who have to deal with women in different spheres of their daily lives.

I was with a group of girl friends this Saturday evening when one of us commented on another’s hair. You know the way us girls gush: “your hair is soooo nice; is it yours? (like duh!); where did you get it done?” To which the proud owner of the hair gave us entirely Too Much Information (TMI). The “hair” could be hers or not- It is all a matter of interpretation; it was on her head in any case. Her coiffure was that properly (read: expensively) done such that it would not have been obtuse of anyone who concluded that it was really her God-given hair. To her (and most other females), the highest compliment we could pay was that her ‘weave’ was done so well that it looked like her own hair.

On the flip side of that scenario is another young woman this time around also with nicely done hair, but “hers” rather than a weave. The buzz this time around was “oh my God! Is that your hair? It looks so much like a weave”! Now that also, was a compliment.

So here it is: when you have your natural hair on, you want that it looks like a ‘weave’; and when you have a ‘weave’ you want it so that it looks like natural hair!!!

Women! Go figure.

Ever Changing Times

2007-07-28T12:18:00.000-05:00

I am not quite certain if I am to be considered too old to read, let alone enjoy the Harry Potter novels. Tell me, is a full grown woman even allowed to know of Harry Potter?

If you have read any one of the series, you might recall the pensieve. The pensieve is a receptacle into which are stored the memories of Professor Dumbledore, from which the memories could be retrieved almost-at-will. I dare say that unless you are a member of the Air Force, and I do not mean the Royal Air Force, such a device is probably out of your altitude.

I was rummaging through an old wardrobe of mine- an archive of sorts if you will. It contains old love letters, cards, and diaries of a time when the extent of my worries was whether my body would ever, please God, catch up with my burgeoning breasts. Incidentally, it did… eventually! Oh, and pictures, pictures, and more pictures!!! From the moment I found out that I was photogenic, I just could not resist taking pictures- as my collection would testify.

Anyway, these pictures (along with my other prized possessions in my archives), they are my pensieve. Each one has its own story- stories told by the backdrops, the smiles (or faltering smiles, depending …), the clothes, the postures, the hairstyles. There has been dependence, innocence, the first stirrings of love, uncertainty, confidence, friendship, weariness … the list goes on and on. In parts, I want to cry, laugh out loud, smile a knowing smile, scream, sigh… My heart would be light and/or heavy depending on the picture. Sometimes a wish that one or two things could have turned out differently- for me and for those I love; but mostly, gratitude for the way things have turned out and are turning out. Memories of more carefree times.

As yet, I really don’t know how to classify ‘now’ in my life. Perhaps some day, they will be carefree times. I don’t know whether to hope they will be, would it mean that ‘then’ will not be carefree times? Does it even matter?

All I know is this: I miss people. I miss times. I miss me.

I like the Rain, I like it not, I like ...

2007-06-29T04:56:00.001-05:00

I am starting to think I might have to reappraise my love for the rainy season. The period from May to September is usually the best weather time in Nigeria- that is for me anyway. You see, I don’t react well to heat. There is something about the still, humid, sweaty, Lagos perennial summers (October- April) that just ….arrrgghhh. So, I love the rains. Until today that is (I might actually still have romantic inclinations toward the rains but I need to get over myself today first).

I have learnt a couple of lessons today; one of which is stubbornness and rain somehow don’t mix. And so I got up this morning to go to work. The first indication that something could go wrong was last night- everywhere was flooded and I didn’t make it home until about 11.30pm. The second indication that something could still go wrong was this morning- it was raining cats and dogs, monkey and gorillas. The third indication that something was definitely going to go wrong was … (I forget…) So I got in my car and braved whatever was waiting for me out there. I could take anything on: I am THE babeandahalf after all. Errr…not… The rains, my car, the fates, George Bush (I’ve got to blame it on something… or someone) conspired against me; I found myself literally up shit creek without a paddle or a bathing suit; and to make it worse I can’t even swim.

I won’t bore you with how I got myself out of the mess I got myself into, but it involved me inconveniencing the men in my life- all 3 of them. When I have come to a final conclusion on my feelings about the rains, you’ll be the first to hear. In the meantime, place your bets …

Imitation as Flattery

2007-06-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

Fact Pattern:
1 KC Presh is made up of two young men, Kingsley and Precious, who won the maiden edition of Star Quest. Star Quest is a talent hunt show sponsored by Nigerian Breweries Plc.

2 OJB Jezreel (hereinafter known as “OJB”) - a producer. Think P. Diddy, Timbaland … (you are on the right track if you are thinking along the lines of those producers that show up in every video in which their Midas touch can be felt).

3 “Segemenge”- the new single by KC Presh and produced by OJB, I suspect (since he was in the video), with cameo appearances by Tony Tetuila and a host of other guys who, forgive me, I cannot recognise or put a name to for that matter.

Issues Arising:
1 Snoop Doggy Dog better not hear the song or watch the video. He might not drop the implicit copyright infringement action like it’s hot.

2 ‘Bitches’. Aha! Herein lies the real kvetch. I heard a line in the rap that went something like ‘bitches’ going after his ‘riches’. I found it tasteless. Surely there are other words that rhyme with riches, e.g. ‘leaches’, ‘fishes’; even ‘witches’ could have fit the bill and might not be quite as offensive. Please we are Africans; must we copy everything about these Americans? They do not have a patent on the right way you know? Just look at Iraq! And at this point in history when the world in general is putting up a fight against discrimination in all forms against women (remember the ‘nappy headed hos’ furor?), is when we Africans have decided to abandon our own decency- I shake my head in Yoruba.

Conclusion:
1 Words have the meaning ascribed to them- ‘bitches’ does not always have the literal meaning.

2 I am boycotting the video. It’s my personal rebellion. Nobody will notice and even if they do, no one will probably care. Whatever…

3 This thing should be nipped in the bud, lest it catches on.

Who's got the Smarts?

2007-04-13T10:45:00.000-05:00

You just have to admire the collection of devious minds that Obasanjo has put to work to come up with these strategies! A two day holiday to prepare for State elections??? What's up with that? My grouse stems from two things 1) Believe me I am as Nigerian as everyone else and luxuriate in work free days; but when the intent of the holidays is to throw a spanner in the works for those who are legitimately trying to fulfill their political yearnings, it just smacks of something other than altruism 2) My bosses didn't even let us take the damned holidays off!!!

Quick Recap: On the one hand, Atiku has been battling Obasanjo about contesting the April presidential elections. So, he has taken the battle up to the point of the Supreme Court which was supposed to give its ruling yesterday (Thursday) Get it???!!! On the other hand, in Imo State this dude named Ifeanyi Ararume won the PDP primaries and was supposed to be PDP's candidate in the State. But would they allow him? No. Instead they substitute his name with some crony of theirs who pulled 14th in the primaries. Ararume- right thinking man that he is- takes the battle all the way to the Supreme Court which declares that he is the proper person to run as PDP's candidate in Imo State. That judgment was Monday. Tuesday evening, PDP announces that Ararume has been expelled from the party and that they are declining to present any candidate in Imo State . Wednesday morning the federal government declares Thursday and Friday "work free days". Are you guys getting my drift? The only logical action Ararume could have taken was to run to court on Thursday to get a declaration (or an injunction) allowing him to contest the elections on Saturday!!! Brilliant wouldn’t you say? And also very egomaniacal!!! I mean how do you shut down a whole nation just to satisfy your own narcissistic leanings???

That, my dears is the story of Nigeria, while America battles issues such as Don Imus's pronouncements etc. To each his own.

Have a nice weekend y'all.

Disclaimer: The above piece says nothing about my own political bent.

It Is Raining Right Now

2006-11-27T14:08:00.001-06:00

My mother has to be the chief proponent of saving for the rainy day! I love my mother dearly, it's just that sometimes our philosophies in life differ. She is cautious. I am too, but....

Anyway, I remembered my mother recently when I had to make certain choices i.e. should I splurge on a trip to Europe and move into a nicer apartment; or save my hard- earned dollars (well... maybe not so hard- earned but mine nonetheless) for THE rainy day. I mean, it makes a lot of sense to get used to my humble room in a SFH and sit my ass in DC for the Christmas holidays(or in the alternative spend a grand total of $35 going to NYC) rather than spending a whooping $850 to go to the UK. Needless to say, I will be totally broke but hopefully not in debt by the time I get back from my trip.

So how do I resolve this dilemma of mine? A slow smile spreads across my face... and I come up with a reply for my mother; "Mother dearest, it's raining right now".

It's My Birthday!!!

2006-10-09T12:29:00.000-05:00

My car started the first time this morning. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like the car has major issues or anything …well, maybe one or two major issues. But it started on the first turn of the ignition. I suspect that the last time that happened was ehm…ehm… probably when the car was tested and driven out of the plant. And that was when I knew that this year of my life is going to be different.

Today the ninth of October is my birthday, and in defiance of the rule which every woman quotes from birth, i.e. a woman NEVER reveals her age, I proudly proclaim that this is my twenty-sixth year on this earth. Analyse that!!!

And I am glad. For many reasons. God loves me and has been good to me. That is what it all boils down to. Sorry to disappoint you, but I am not going to start waxing all philosophical. I am just glad to be alive and I hope y’all have a good day, as I fully intend to.

Tara!!!

A Message Aptly Delivered

2006-09-22T10:38:00.000-05:00

If ever a message was to put across strongly the return of Jesus Christ, then Infinity’s “Olorioko” more than does the job. In living out our quotidian existence, it is easy to forget that we are only sojourners in the world and are one day going to return to our final homes to answer for our lives here on earth. The message of the song is simple: The Master is Coming Back; and the sub-message- You Have Been Warned, Be Prepared.

The first time I should have seen the video of the song and indeed listened to it, I dozed off while watching the Top Ten Nigerian Videos Countdown on Sound City. The song was apparently the number one song for that week, and I could not stay awake long enough to see it. I gave my dad a lot of flack for not waking me up. I was determined that it would not repeat itself. So the next Friday, I well-nigh taped my eyes wide open, and boy was it worth it!!! Two things strike you when you see the video. The first is that the video appeals to the artist in everyone of us- A far cry from Tony Tetuila’s ‘Two Women’ where all that was required was a cameraman filming a bunch of people in a club. The picture quality, concept, costumes, melody…etc. was exquisite. Nigerians have for a while now been denied such quality- whether it is as a result of a dearth in talent, ideas, or plain grit is not exactly clear. But whatever it is, Infinity definitely has it in abundance.

Secondly and perhaps more importantly is the resuscitation of culture. I am Yoruba and have always believed that I could get by in the language. However, shame on me, I had to ask my parents to translate a lot of what he was saying. Such richness! Such wisdom! Such potency! This, and a recent lunchtime palaver with colleagues made me determine my kids will speak Yoruba with all the nuances, so help me God.

And at the end of it all, the message is clear yiyo t’ekun yo, ki ma n se t’ojo literally translated to mean that the skulking of the tiger should by no means be mistaken for cowardice. That God has not struck does not mean he is unable. We would do well to keep this in mind.

Reflective Stickers???

2006-09-18T21:52:00.000-05:00

REFLECTIVE STICKERS???

When will the intimidation ever end? Ehn? Is it a crime to live in Nigeria? The fact that some of us have decided to stick things out in this country –whether this is because we have on countless occasions been denied visas to other places or not is not relevant here- should be commended, as we are daily assaulted with all manner of conditions that would break the ordinary human being. But then again we are not ordinary, we are Nigerians!

What is the reason for my diatribe this beautiful day? It is nothing more than the new ‘law’ on the use of reflective stickers, which seems to be gaining ground by the day. Just the other day, I noticed in the traffic some guy selling the stickers, and with the way people were buying up the stickers, the thought crossed my mind (albeit briefly) to abandon my legal practice and join the young entrepreneur in his ‘area of practice’.

I wondered about the reason for the rush for the stickers and now I know that probably because I am permanently holed up in my office from 7am till 8pm Mondays to Fridays and the odd Saturday, I was totally unaware that some tin god somewhere had decided that all motorists should begin to stick the things on their cars, or face the music (which of course is constantly having to pay off LASTMA, Police, Traffic Warden, FERMA, Local Government Traffic Monitoring Unit; maybe even LASEPA –these days, who knows with all these agencies?- so that you can live (or leave) in peace).

Come to think of it, who conjures up these things? Reflective stickers on cars? And the reason the car manufacturers make the reflective backlights on cars is…? I mean, come on! What is the plan? Is it that the ‘blockhead’ in charge of such things wants to convince us all of the relevance of his portfolio such that he has to keep coming up with ‘cutting edge’ innovations? Where has he (it can’t be a woman, women I presume are more sensible than that- you are right, I am a woman!) seen it done before?

While I understand the safety precaution that probably formed the idea, it does not make a lot of sense. Is it a double precaution or what? (They should start first with those who don’t even have the initial precaution of back lights- those scourges known as commercial buses) Where do they expect me to stick it on my 2006-model Range? (Somebody somewhere in Lagos I am sure, drives this car, which I wish with all of my heart that I owned) No o! Abeg, me I no do o! And thus, I am prepared to put my ‘learned’ tongue to work and harass anybody that dares to accost me on my lack of a reflective sticker.

Friendly Warning: If you no get liver, or at least an NBA sticker on your car, you are advised to purchase the sticker!!!